I'm Cemented

Peer pressure? I never give into that. ERNG. Wrong. I just did. I didn't want him to go, I didn't want to stop talking to him, so what did I do? I said "Okay." Thats it. One word could make me cry, could make me feel bad, could make me wish that he never gets around to it.
Whats the worst part? I've already killed any chance of a friendship and why? Because of too many breaks. Why else would "Andes Mountains" leave my thoughts? Because of the breaks. You leave me alone long enough and feelings will cease, crumble, and no longer be felt for you. The part about that is, so far as I've seen, men aren't smart about that. They all believe in giving someone space when they aren't happy, or so I am being led to believe. WAKE UP! If you're trying to make us happy what you believe doesn't matter. It's what we believe in, which is TALK TO US. Maybe this isn't right for every situation, or every girl, but the majority so.
Thats my piece of advice tonight, good night folks!

Dear Ashbutt

"Writing letters is a good way to express things I usually find hard to communicate."

Dear Ash,

Yep, I was mad. I feel a little shoved aside. First of all, because I'm younger and limited to certain things so theres a lot of experiences I can't share with you and won't ever be able to because you've outgrown some of them. Secondly, you've got a girlfriend that you adore, love, and most likely want to spend every waking moment with. And thirdly, because it's been a while since I've been able to talk with you about serious stuff, someone else has always been around or we were busy with something else.
I'm harboring, it's true. I've been harboring. Today I let loose though. It felt good to scream in Wil's face about what a "piece of shit" (my exact words) he was. Some of my followers might find it a little hard to believe the anger I've put forth towards that villan, but I'm only as nice as the person sitting next to me. Back onto the topic of todays fight; it was exhilirating. I shouted it all for once. Even Morgon was on my side when he said "I hate my father". Not exactly something to encourage, but it made me smile because I know he knows whats right, and he knows his "father" is wrong.
I even stepped over the line a bit when I invited Morgon to come up to my room and away from the fighting 'rents. Wil of course blew a pipe, and I fought right back. When he told my mom to fix me I jumped back with a "fix yourself you piece of shit". It felt releasing, relieving, and downright good. He tried to tell me that I didn't have a family, and that my family now wasn't mine. It hurt, it got me, but I took it by name and pointed to my mom. "Shes my family and always has been." It got to me though. I almost did it. I almost did it. I almost did it.. almost. If not for being told to call those who serve to help the citizens I would have. I would have. I almost did it.
I can't get it out of my head. Every argument is never enough, I always want more. I always can't wait for the next one. Each time I feel myself growing bigger, stronger, angrier, more relieved that I argued and stood up. Whats even better is he sees it and hes afraid. I see that he is. In everything. He avoids arguing with my mom around me, he avoids walking in front of me or even behind. He doesn't even watch me when I know I'm doing something he doesn't like. I feel powerful and happy. I feel like, for a lack of a better phrase, Chief Bromden, or even R.P. McMurphy.
Anyways, theres my serious talk for now. The real reason I started writing this is because I wanted to hang out today. I can't even describe how much I was looking forward to it and to gushing to you about the present I bought you today. I think I'm going to get off now and read with the Sammy, and the beagles I found today. You should come see them, their pretty cute.

Tayface.

My First Encounter

I was thinking today about the arguments I've been in with Ash. We haven't gotten into one, I assure you, but I was just thinking about how when we do argue I imagine land crumbling to isolate me on an island. How when we do argue I cast away everyone else, their words, their faces and their relationships, because without my relationship with her to define it all, "it all" means nothing.
I've never been one to believe in fate or in destiny, not really.. Or maybe I have, but Ash certainly makes me believe. Not days, but hours after any argument I'm thrown before her with that instant expression of forgiveness in addition to open arms. I don't hesitate or even think to deny her, or any of her attempts to rebuild, it's automatic. It's the one involuntary thing I've always, and always will love.

To even further express this post, I won solitaire.

I feel pretty good today, but that creeping thought is "How long might this one last?" Never has a roller coaster been defined better. Anyways, my homework is little tonight and Coraline has been batting her eyelashes at me today, along with pizza, ramen and cheeseburgers. Pigging hasn't been a trait lately but the thought of food is satisfying lately which is good enough to fill me with glee. It means I'm better. Another sign of betterness, well.. I won't tell you, but it involves me being able to put a little brown dot in the bottom right corner of today on my calender. What else was fantastic? I wasn't shaking my tail off in any of my classes today. In fact the temperature seemed just right. However, outside it's miserable. Don't get me wrong, I love the soggy weather, but I was hoping to do my senior portraits today with Ash. Perhaps we can work something out....
On an even BRIGHTER note, I got honor roll finally. One C, one A, and five B's. You know what that means? Moolah. $210 of moolah to be exact. I calculated it as soon as I got the sheet with those fabulous grades on it.
Theres a lot more I'd like to say, like how I hate that theres some qualities about a friend I don't like but when we stop talking I miss him greatly. Or like how I wish I had a car so I had a better reason to save my money; roadtrips. Or even like how much I like how this is all going. But, I'm ending this post.

See ya'h later!

Super Nova

Is it me, or is the sun brighter lately? Maybe it's in the process of exploding.

6 with a Sword

Have you ever walked home feeling like that adventurer you dreamt of being when you were.. oh say around six? I did today, walking home. I was able to look up with a great big smile thinking I was coming home for some kind of snack. PB &J, crackers, juice (maybe in a box), even a nice slice of cake. Actually, I was smiling for music, but either way it almost seems that every time I walk home I feel younger. I was able to hop around large puddles with a good amount of jazz in my step. But as soon as those jangling keys were unhooked from my pants and that key to my house was between my forefinger and thumb, the feeling dissolved. I felt like an adult.
Let me describe my walk home. It begins once I step out of those doors fit for asylums, heavy enough too. I walk briskly in hopes that I can get home before 2:30, almost as if racing my previous self. Along that walk I encounter a cylindrical fort of bricks to protect whatever ticket seller we have for any event. Beside that fort are to statues made of iron links, also known as a fence. To me they represent the enclosure of the world I'm about to enter, almost making it seem more dangerous and mystical. As soon as I'm past that gate I'm observing who is around. I look under the bleachers, curious of the colorful trash and if I might find something interesting. I look at the track with a type of wonder only described as familiar. Contradiction? Yes. Again I approach a set of linky lanky statues and a pole, a guard, for the path that lay behind it. A broken cement, decline that starts you off just looking at it. Beside this decent are multiple bushes and invade your and grab your shoulder, maybe even smack you on the cheek to make you leave. But of course I carry on, how could I not? All the way down this "S" shaped trail you'll find homes in the process of draining their color, like running mascara or eyeliner.


Bummer. I lost it. BAH!

Caught me a macrol!

I'm going to miss that friend o' mine. It's a shame. My friends seem to be droppin' like flies. Me? Them? Both. Yes. Ah well. I didn't return the feelings he had, but the attention was nice. I won't lie, a little clean attention from a guy is very nice, especially in real life.
Which brings me to gush. Oh for how long was I wondering? Long enough, but I've got my answer. And it's that the guy I thought was the sweetest likes me. It's out there. Acting on it? Nah. Smooth rides are the best. Who needs to dwell on a nice thing and ruin it? Best part is I reared the conversation in that direction myself with sheer will. Cunning, I think so. I could be. I'd need an outsider opinion.
On the flip side bro' IT came back. Yes. That wonderous issue with oxygen and it going through my windpipe, filling my lungs enough to relief, and leaving as hot, dirty air. Is there a boulder on my chest? Not since the last time I checked. At least it's not so bad, but it's brought my to wonder where it came from this time? It uncovered it's ugly head this morning before I knew much of any uncomfortable situation. If anything I'd say I was rather gleeful. Not so much that I was fidgeting or giggling every pop second I thought, but enough that I had a slow, easy smile going the whole morning, and mostly through the day, especially at lunch when all the girl mumurs began. It was like a vaccum in a room over. The constant humming of our voices and giggles. (Hey that was kind of good... )
Anyways, I guess my confession of today is that Mr. Everything is bobbing in deep seas. Bobbing up into a nice sunset, and then back down into a circle of sharks. Me? I've got the fishing pole and the ability to decide. I need to get it out there and argue! I need to get my point across! I need my respect!! I also need some good reasons why I will decide what I decide. Pro and con list, ya'h know. Discussion is in need. Heavy discussion tonight. This BEGINS tonight.

The Way I Eat Spaghetti

Was I just not paying attention? Not realizing? Is it even.. that way? Possible. Very. Especially if my stomach is reacting in such a way. And my chest. And my facial expression. Well, maybe eliminating him is good. The prideful attitude wasn't appealing to me, and nor was the countless suggestions of sexual intimacy. I don't want it. I'm not ready. I said that. Am I not angry enough to force respect? I've never met you, you never met me. You don't know my personality traits. The way I put on chap stick. The way I fall asleep or wake up. The way I eat spaghetti. You don't know any of that. Why would you want to be with me that way if you've never met me? I mean, what you want is probably something casual to you, where as to me it's incredibly special, something I've saved. Almost like a six year old and a dollar from the tooth fairy.

If I'm so confident that you're wrong then why I am sitting here eating chocolate chip cookie dough out of a bowl. I know why, because I was expecting you to understand. Watching The Ugly Truth certainly didn't help the mood any. Even if it is just a movie it seemed true, especially about you. But that is all beside the point. The point is that I told you how I felt and you became irritated with me. I'm already the victim of feeling uncomfortable, now you want to upset me by being disappointed in me? The worst anyone can be towards me. You're constantly disappointed with something, specifically if it's something you want that I won't give you. You're a grown man, not a spoiled brat. At least I thought so.

Anyways, the solution is simple. You either respect the fact that I'm uncomfortable with the subject and we can continue talking, maybe even someday hang out, or you can go on being irritated and disappointed and leave me the hell alone. It's so very simple. Don't expect me to give in and let you rape every rule I've ever set for myself. I'm a woman of will and opinion and I refuse to let some silly mindset boy ruin my life plans.

Noodles

I cut my hair today. Almost didn't stop too. I think it looks alright. It won't look really alright until it grows out nice and long. This weekend I'm spending it with my mom. I'm not really sure what to do with her, except see a movie. It's been miserable weather wise, at least in the view of anyone active. In my case I'd call it glorious. On the way to Walmart there were streets who could declare their own lakes. Cars were up to their knees in water.

On a side note, I'm in a riff. I almost want to refrain from describing, but.. this is a blogspot, so here goes. I know there are people worthy of affection, mine in particular, however I can't get it out. It's hiding or something.. Pouting? Sulking? Whatever. At first I liked this affection-less freedom, but now I've grown slightly worried. There are people who put ants(butterflies) in the pit of my stomach, but it's not the same. I can't explain why not, but it feels lacking to me.

Anyways, movie time. I'll continue this another time.

Continuing.--

Alright, so I watched When Harry Met Sally with a good friend, but all the while was secretly, not so secret anymore, arguing with another friend. And what might you ask about? The measurement of attraction and my uncomfortable reactions to sexual suggestions. If I say I'm uncomfortable with it, wouldn't you stop? Or at least try? Well, I'm trying to figure out why he didn't, especially considering what a generally honorable guy he is. Either way, I told him to go away even if I didn't really want him to. Knowing how stubborn he is, he probably won't come back. Me being prideful, I probably won't ask him back. But we'll see.

Switching to progress in other areas. My mom spoke to the realtor, and things are moving forward so far as leaving my step-dad in the dust. I'm technically done with my pathetic past, for the most part.. I still feel awful when I ponder it. Knowing it, it'll probably hit me good later. Aaron isn't mad at me, but I still feel some kind of awkwardness. Most likely hes disappointed. As for movie night, I'll talk to my mom about hosting and changing the day from Tuesday to a weekend night to make it more convenient. You won't ruin it this time, James you bastard!

I'm off to read One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest -- fairly good book.

Pilot

First blog time. Yipee. So I finished my music list today which is a great relief because I can now plug my iPod in without the worry that it will sync and erase all my love. I didn't do much else except... grumble at every request from my brother. I let him play my video games all day, introduced him to Zelda:Wind Waker (I totally read the legend to him as if it were a storybook), then showed him Super Mario Sunshine, and afterwards.. Bully. He probably had the best day of his 6 year old life, spending it with his totally rad sister. That.. my friends, was my entire day. Tomorrow? Probably study.

Hopefully though tonight that tinge of sickness doesn't return. The churning of my stomach? Feels like February. Or March. Or April. Or May. Or June. Or July. Or heck.. even August to a degree. I bet it won't.

What else is on my mind... not much else. I'm done.