I Understand Those Five Minutes Now, Mother.

I now better understand the phrase "Time spent alone is time best had." It might not be an official quote, but it should be, for mothers, for teenagers, mostly for women. Every moment I spend doing something it is usually spent doing it for someone else. Homework for teachers, chores for my mom, presents for friends, relaxing for my dog, thinking for bosses. The only real time, I believe, that I have to myself is reading and these minuscule blog posts.

I've attempted being selfish, I just did, and I probably lost a friend. I'm seventeen and I don't yearn for anything. It's the best feeling I've had in years and I'm trying to make the best of it by taking some time for myself to smile, but when I try to explain it or why I'm doing the things I'm doing to someone else I don't feel that they understand. In fact, I know they don't understand because they become frustrated, they become a mirror of my selfishness but to an intense extent.

I'm simply exhausted to the point of tears when I go to the kitchen to clean. I'm exhausted to the point of sleep and rebellion for days spent out of the building that I love learning in. I'm exhausted to the point of being pushed by the smallest winds. I feel like the dead resting in peace as I'm flown in multiple directions by whispers that I care and dare not listen to.

I want mental, emotional, and physical freedom for five minutes.