Here it comes again. My "deception" has brought on another flood of guilt. I don't feel like I deserve to feel good, to do things that should make me feel good. Maybe that explains it? Why I've practically stomped all over the grave and packed in the dirt on top of this pampering. It's a fish bone in the throat for some, a couple of doubts throughout our minds thrown in with cowardice. I say stop it all but it's like resisting the experience of life. It all comes down to being selfish or going with it. I don't feel good doing anything. Sometimes theres a hint, a moment where I've truly entranced myself into dealing with it but shortly it comes back. 

(Like sleep, I'll fall into slumber, awake to fall asleep again, and awake with frustration in my lack of success only to end with a headache.)

Now my only question is how to keep it at a level that won't leave me covered in salt.